1. Nelson Mandela is released from prison in 1990, looking tired, but still manages to make a speech. The press is loathed to compare it to Martin Luther King Jnr’s iconic “I have a dream” speech.
2. Nelson Mandela becomes the first black President of the Republic. This time the speech is noticeably shorter.
3. Nelson Mandela is admitted to hospital.
4. Nelson Mandela leaves the hospital.
5. Y2K is largely ignored in South Africa because we have our shit together, but a lone Brakpan couple’s computer unceremoniously crashes. Thankfully this had zero ripple effect on JSE stocks and the markets retain its nerves. Economists breathe a collective sigh of relief.
6. Thabo Mbeki takes over from Nelson Mandela. In his first nationally televised speech, he mutters something that amazes the South African press corps. In an impressive display of geography, and in his usual urbane manner says, “I’m an African.” Two employees of the South African Society of Cartographers promptly faint in orgasmic delirium, one is rushed to hospital as a precautionary measure.
7. South Africa hosts the 2010 Soccer World Cup. Hordes of township dwellers invade the cities, stadiums and some quiet parks. There are no reported incidences of an increase in myocardial infractions amongst an ailing white population, some even learn to blow the Vuvuzela.
8. Thabo Mbeki is removed from office. Reports are he demonstrated just enough courage to grab the half bottle of Cutty Sark he’d been nursing and still managed to quote the last lines of Robert Frost’s, “The Road Not Taken” before hitting the streets.
9. Jacob Zuma assumes power to much wailing and gnashing of teeth from certain sectors of the population. Dentists quietly confirmed an uptake in admissions. When pressed, a source denies that it is unreported cases of an epidemic of ground down molars
10. Nelson Mandela passes away peacefully at his home in Qunu. This coincides with reports of some expensive silverware going missing and at least 2 copies of the unfinished manuscript, “Long Walk to Freedom V. When interviewed the hapless security guards could only say that they couldn’t account for Zelda La Grange’s whereabouts and that it did seem strange she would mysteriously come to work in a bakkie.
At his very public funeral, a little known sign language apprentice gains notoriety for “mis-signalling.” He later writes a book about his experiences at the hands of the public and a publisher in Namibia promises to promote it as a sequel to the movie, “Hear no Evil, See no Evil,” he leaves in disgust.
11. The builders start clearing space at Nkandla, passers-by could have sworn the tipper trucks and graders spoke in an unfamiliar language, but when pressed, confessed that it sounded like how the people speak in Bollywood movies. There is no truth in the growing rumours of the place being littered with bunny chow wrappers.
12. Julius Malema starts a political party called, The Economic Freedom Fighters, strangely the formation of the party coincides with a sales increase in travel bags and house sales on the East Rand in Johannesburg.
13. The coronavirus, dubbed COVID-19, hits South Africa and after a few weeks the President, Cyril Ramaphosa makes two sudden national appearances on TV. In the first one, he confirms what everyone already knows about the disease. In the second one, he confirms what everybody already knows about the company he keeps…….
